echoes
by expressionalism
Summary: near to you, i'm healing but it's taking so long.


_He and I had something beautiful, but so dysfunctional, it couldn't last._

Santana stands at her locker and looks down the hall to her right. She uses the door as coverage so she doesn't look like a complete creep; only a lurk. She watches Brittany and Artie approach, her pushing him from behind with a smile on her face. They breeze past Santana and for a moment, their eyes lock before Santana looks down at the floor.

They pass and she closes the locker door.

_Such pain as this should never be experienced. I'm still reeling from the loss, still a bit delirious._

"Can we talk?" Santana asks Sam, sitting down next to him in the choir room. He has the rhyming book that Mr. Schue had given out to everyone weeks before for the original song assignment. Sam looks up at her and sets the book aside and nods.

"Talk away."

"First off," she begins, taking a deep breath. "I wanted to say sorry for being such a bitch to you. You don't deserve it." A pause follows. She looks at Sam from the corner of her eye, gauging for a reaction. He gives her a tiny nod and smiles that sad smile that she can't _stand_ because it reminds her so much of _herself_.

"Look, I'm not in love with you. You know that. We don't even like each other that much." she states, sounding rather flat, but finding herself not caring. Sam nods in agreement anyway. "I'm in love with Brittany. I want to be with _her_." she explains and doesn't get any reaction from Sam at all.

And then, he does the strangest thing of all; he laughs.

She's a little startled, and her face must be saying so because he stops after a few moments. "Sorry." he mutters, quieting down. "It's just really, really obvious." He shakes his head and she even smiles a little bit, which is kind of rare for her these days.

"I appreciate the fact that you know that I don't like… want you or anything. But you're still with me." she mutters and as she hears more people approaching the choir room, her voice lowers.

"It's okay. I understand." Kurt and Brittany walk into the room side by side then, and after they've sat down, Santana steals a look at Sam.

Judging by the way he's looking at Kurt, she knows he isn't lying.

_He's disappearing, fading softly. I'm so close to being yours._

They're on their way to New York for Nationals. Brittany dares to sit next to Santana for the flight and it's the one time that her presence is unwelcomed by Santana.

(That's a lie. Santana couldn't refuse her anything, but she wishes she could).

They talk about silly things; not about how Santana had told Brittany she loved her months ago. Not about Artie. Not about Sam. They only talked about how things used to be and Santana almost wishes they could go back.

(Again, a lie. She didn't like who she was back then, and she didn't know how she felt about the person she was now).

They're about to land and people are shuffling and making a lot of noise, so Santana takes a chance.

"Why him?" she asks. "Why not me?" her voice breaks on the last word and Brittany looks at her with pity in her eyes and opens her mouth to say something but Santana cuts her off again.

"No. Stop. I get it."

(No she doesn't).

_I only know that I am better where you are. I only know that I belong where you are._

They're about to go on. They're about to perform in front of about 100 000 people and Santana is scared. Which is weird because she doesn't get scared of things like this. It's things like this that she can stomp on and lock away until there isn't anything left of it.

Maybe it's the fact that her and Brittany will be singing a small duet during their second number that's got her petrified. But she'll never say that.

She looks over to the other side of the backstage area to see Kurt kissing Sam gently. She smiles, but it fades when she sees Brittany and Artie doing the same five feet away.

Then, exactly one minute before they go on, Brittany breaks away from him in something resembling anger and Santana's face lights up.

(They sing their duet and Santana means every word behind the lyrics. There's a standing ovation and she doesn't hear a single thing except the movement of Brittany against her as they embrace on stage in front of 100 000 people).

_Near to you, I am healing, but it's taking so long. 'Cause though he's gone and you are wonderful, it's hard to move on. Yet I'm better near to you._

They're waiting for the results and Santana is getting flashbacks to Regionals last year. She looks over at Brittany, who is holding her hand so tight she's afraid her fingers are breaking. But still, she doesn't care and she isn't afraid.

"Brittany." she says, and the blonde looks at her. She doesn't say a word, her eyes scream it all and for a moment, she thinks she sees the same words being repeated back to her in blue eyes.


End file.
